High-Achieving and Anxious: Dismantling the 'Good Girl' Trap

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If you’ve ever felt the pressure to be perfect, to please everyone, or to always “earn” your worth through relentless achievement, you might be caught in the "good girl" trap. It’s the unspoken rulebook society hands to women early on—be agreeable, work hard, don’t disappoint, and whatever you do, don’t make waves.

For high-achieving women, this trap is especially insidious. You’re praised for your discipline, your reliability, and your ability to juggle it all. But beneath the polished exterior, there’s often a constant undercurrent of anxiety, self-doubt, and exhaustion. In the workplace, women face an impossible balancing act: show confidence and leadership, and risk being perceived as too aggressive; show empathy and emotion, and risk being seen as weak or “too sensitive.”

So how do you break this cycle without feeling like you're abandoning your ambition or disappointing those around you?

The Link Between Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and Anxiety

Many high-achieving women struggle with perfectionism—the belief that nothing is ever “good enough” unless it meets an impossibly high standard. But perfectionism doesn’t exist in isolation. It’s often fueled by people-pleasing, the deeply ingrained habit of prioritizing others’ needs, approval, or comfort over your own.

This combination can lead to:

✔️ Chronic and excessive self-criticism

✔️ Fear of failure or making mistakes

✔️ Difficulty setting boundaries

✔️ Overcommitting to work, family, or social obligations

✔️ Anxiety and burnout

It’s a cycle that feels impossible to break: The harder you try to prove yourself, the more exhausting it becomes. The more exhausted you are, the harder it is to feel like you're ever doing "enough."

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Signs You’re Caught in the Good Girl Trap

If you recognize yourself in any of these, you may be stuck in patterns that keep you overcommitting, over-apologizing, and over-functioning:

• You equate success with approval. If no one acknowledges your hard work, does it even count?

• You struggle to say no. Whether it’s extra work, emotional labor, or being the “reliable one,” you feel guilty setting limits.

• You avoid conflict at all costs. Even when something is unfair or unreasonable, speaking up feels uncomfortable.

• You hold yourself to an impossible standard. You’ll rest, celebrate, or feel proud—once you reach the next goal.

• You feel responsible for managing others' emotions. Keeping people happy feels like it’s on you, and when others are upset, you take it personally, as if it’s your job to fix it.

• You feel like you HAVE to be there for others because they have no one else. You take on emotional responsibility for friends, family, or coworkers, believing that if you don’t step in, no one else will.

Breaking Free—Without Losing Yourself

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The good news? You don’t have to abandon your ambition, kindness, or work ethic to break free from this cycle. You just need to redefine success on your own terms.

1. Challenge the Fear of Disapproval

Ask yourself: “What’s the worst that will happen if I set a boundary or disappoint someone?” Most of the time, the fear of upsetting others is much bigger than the actual consequences. Some people might not like your choices, but their approval isn’t what keeps your world turning. More often than not, life moves on—and so do they.

2. Reframe Your Definition of Success

Instead of chasing perfection, focus on progress and personal alignment. Success isn’t about being flawless; it’s about showing up, learning, and growing. Sometimes, success is saying no, resting, or choosing ease over exhaustion.

3. Act in Alignment with Your Values

If honoring your needs, self-respect, or self-care is important to you, your actions should reflect that. Take inventory of your core values—then take an honest look at your life and ask yourself if your daily choices align with them. It’s easy to say you value self-care but continue prioritizing everyone else’s needs first. Taking value-based actions means making intentional decisions that reflect what truly matters to you.

4. Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

If setting boundaries or saying no feels foreign, expect discomfort. Growth doesn’t always feel good in the moment. If you feel challenged—or even guilty—after asserting yourself, take it as a good sign that you’re stretching beyond old patterns. Think of it like learning to ride a bike—you wouldn’t expect to be steady from day one. You might wobble or even fall, but each attempt strengthens your balance. The same is true for boundaries.

5. Let Go of Perfectionism—Even Here

Even in unlearning perfectionism, don’t hold yourself to unrealistic standards. You won’t always get it right. You might say no and later wish you had phrased it differently. You might set a boundary and then second-guess if you were too firm or not clear enough. That’s okay. Every experience is a chance to build your skills. What matters is that you practice clear and kind communication—whatever your best looks like today is enough.

6. Make Self-Love and Self-Care a Daily Practice

Self-love isn’t just a mindset—it’s an action. Just like building a muscle, self-care strengthens through daily repetition. It’s not something you wait to feel; it’s something you practice.

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Here are some small, actionable ways to prioritize yourself every day:

✅ Say no without apologizing. Instead of saying, “Sorry, I can’t,” try, “Thanks for understanding, but I won’t be able to commit to that.”

✅ Commit to rest, even if it feels uncomfortable. Block time in your schedule for breaks, even if guilt creeps in at first. Rest is necessary, not earned.

✅ Do something enjoyable just for yourself. No justification needed.

✅ Speak kindly to yourself when you make a mistake. Notice when your inner critic is harsh and choose to respond with self-compassion.

✅ Set small boundaries—even if they feel uncomfortable. Start with low-stake situations and build from there.

7. Therapy Can Help You Navigate This Process

Therapy is an invaluable tool in building self-awareness, emotional regulation, and communication skills—all of which help you navigate difficult situations with more confidence. It gives you the tools to set and uphold boundaries without spiraling into guilt or feeling the need to over-explain yourself.

8. Books to Help You Break Free

Reading books on this topic can help you build confidence, shift your mindset, and feel more at ease with setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being. The more you understand these patterns, the easier it becomes to challenge them. Here are some recommendations to support your growth:

📖 "The Book of Boundaries," by Melissa Urban – Provides actionable, real-world scripts to help people-pleasers and perfectionists actually implement change.

📖 "The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control," by Katherine Morgan Schafler – Explores perfectionism from a compassionate lens, helping women redefine their relationship with achievement.

📖 "Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle," by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski – Explores why women experience burnout differently and offers science-backed strategies to break free from chronic stress.

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Final Thoughts

Breaking free from these patterns isn’t about rejecting ambition or caring less—it’s about redirecting that energy toward yourself, your needs, and your well-being. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.

If these struggles feel all too familiar, you don’t have to navigate them alone. Therapy can help you build the confidence, self-awareness, and skills to break free from perfectionism and people-pleasing in a way that aligns with your values. At Graceful Mind Therapy, I support women in overcoming these patterns so they can create a life that feels fulfilling—on their own terms.

💛 Ready to take the first step? Reach out today to learn how therapy can help you let go of the pressure to be everything for everyone—and start showing up for yourself.

You don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. You already are enough.

by Maria Perdomo-Torres, LCSW-S, MHA, CFSW