How to Improve Self-Esteem: 8 Therapist-Backed Tips That Actually Work

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Let’s be real. “Just love yourself” sounds nice in theory. But what does that even mean when your inner voice is constantly criticizing everything you do?

If you’ve ever struggled with self-esteem, you’re not alone. So many high-functioning, capable women wrestle with self-doubt behind the scenes. On the outside, you might be the one everyone leans on: the reliable one, the strong one, the one who keeps it together. But on the inside, it may feel like you’re constantly questioning your worth, second-guessing your decisions, or wondering if you're “enough.”

Self-esteem isn’t about being perfect or having it all together. It’s about how you see yourself when the world gets quiet. And improving it doesn’t require becoming someone else; it’s about remembering who you already are underneath the noise.

What Is Self-Esteem, Really?

Self-esteem is your internal sense of worth and value. It’s shaped by early experiences, cultural messages, family dynamics, trauma, and even the roles you've been put in (or chosen) over the years. Self-esteem is an all-encompassing term that includes things like:

·       Self-image: how you view and feel about your body or physical appearance.

·       Self-confidence: whether you believe in your ability to achieve goals and overcome adversity.

·       Self-worth: your internal sense of deserving love, respect, belonging, and good things in life…simply because you exist.

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When your self-esteem is low, any of these areas can feel off-balance. You might feel uncomfortable in your body. You may question your voice or feel like you have to earn respect or kindness. But self-esteem isn’t just about feeling good. It’s about living in alignment with who you really are. It includes showing up mindfully and consciously, being awake and present to your own experience, rather than avoiding, numbing, or auto-piloting through life.

It’s also about how you live, not just how you feel.

That’s the tricky thing. Low self-esteem doesn’t always look like insecurity. Sometimes, it hides behind perfectionism, people-pleasing, or chronic overachieving.

The good news? You can build a healthier relationship with yourself. One rooted in self-compassion, realistic expectations, and emotional resilience.

How to Start Strengthening Your Self-Esteem

Here are a few key practices that make a real difference over time:

1. Practice Conscious Living

You can’t build self-esteem while disconnected from your own life. That means making a practice of showing up, fully and honestly. It means noticing your choices, being aware of your emotions, and being willing to face the truth of your life rather than avoiding or escaping it.

Living consciously is foundational. When you check out, people-please, or fall into chronic avoidance, you're not just bypassing discomfort. You’re disconnecting from yourself. And self-esteem can’t grow in absence.

Even asking yourself simple questions like “What am I feeling?” or “What matters most to me right now?” is a start. Presence is powerful.

2. Notice (and Name) Your Inner Critic

You can’t change what you don’t recognize. Many of us have internalized harsh voices (sometimes modeled by a parent, coach, or culture) that now play on autopilot.

Start paying attention to your self-talk. When you make a mistake, are you encouraging or shaming? Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?

You don’t have to argue with the critic or force it to go away. Just noticing it can help create space for something new. Some people even find it helpful to name that inner critic (like “The Grinch” or “Ms. Harshley”) to remind themselves that this voice isn’t their truth. Naming it can create emotional distance and make it easier to respond with compassion instead.

3. Embrace Radical Self-Acceptance

Self-esteem doesn’t mean liking every part of yourself all the time. But it does require that you stop disowning the parts you find messy or imperfect.

Self-acceptance means embracing the full spectrum of who you are. Your strengths, yes, but also your flaws, wounds, quirks, and inconsistencies. It’s knowing, “I’m still worthy even when I mess up or fall short.”

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When you stop fighting with yourself and start building a relationship with your inner world, something shifts. You start to feel more whole. And wholeness supports self-worth.

4. Take Ownership of Your Life

This part is hard, but crucial. Improving self-esteem means taking full responsibility for your thoughts, actions, and choices. That doesn’t mean blaming yourself for things beyond your control. It means choosing accountability over blame.

You can’t build self-esteem while waiting for others to treat you better. You also can’t build it by blaming others for how you feel. At some point, it becomes your job to show up for yourself. No one can do that work for you.

As Nathaniel Branden writes in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: “No one is coming.” And while that might sound harsh at first, it’s actually liberating. You have power. You are not helpless. Self-esteem is a practice, and as such, it’s built through action.

5. Practice Self-Compassion, Not Just Self-Care

Self-care is great, but it’s not a cure-all. You can take a bubble bath or go on a walk and still feel unworthy underneath.

Self-compassion is deeper. It’s the internal voice that says, “I’m doing my best,” “This is hard, but I’m not broken,” or “It’s okay to have needs.”

Start small. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or down on yourself, pause and try this:
“This is a moment of struggle. Struggle is part of being human. I choose to be kind to myself right now.”

(Yes, it might feel cheesy at first. That’s okay. Cheesy doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.)

6. Stretch Beyond Your Comfort Zone

One of the most surprising ways to build self-esteem? Take action, especially when it stretches you.

This could mean speaking up in a meeting, saying “no” when you usually say “yes,” or signing up for something that scares you just a little (in a good way). Every time you follow through on something hard, you’re sending a message to your nervous system that you can trust yourself.

It's not about proving anything. It’s about building evidence that you’re capable, adaptable, and worthy of taking up space, even if your hands are shaking while you do it.

7. Speak Up for Your Needs and Boundaries

You cannot develop healthy self-esteem while consistently silencing, neglecting, or abandoning yourself.

Advocating for your needs and expressing your truth isn’t selfish, it’s foundational. Whether it’s asking for support, setting a boundary, or saying what you really think, self-esteem grows when you claim space in your own life.

If you’ve been taught that your needs are “too much” or that advocating for yourself is wrong, this may feel uncomfortable at first. But honoring yourself in small ways each day adds up.

8. Surround Yourself with the Right Mirrors

Who reflects you back to yourself? Are you surrounded by people who affirm your strengths, challenge your growth, and celebrate your humanness (not just your usefulness)?

Community matters. Healing happens through connection. Whether it’s therapy, close friendships, support groups, or even encouraging online spaces, seek out mirrors that remind you of your worth and growth.

Best Books to Improve Self-Esteem and Confidence

If you’re ready to dive deeper into this work, here are a few books I often recommend:

📘 The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Encourages readers to let go of who they think they should be and embrace who they are, with vulnerability, courage, and wholehearted living.

📗 Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff
A must-read for anyone working to quiet the inner critic and build a gentler, more affirming internal world.

📕 The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
A deeper, psychologically grounded exploration of what self-esteem is. It explores ideas like living consciously, accepting yourself, and taking full responsibility for your life.

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Reclaiming Your Worth: A Closing Message

Improving self-esteem isn’t about ego or pretending you have it all together. It’s about learning to live in a way that honors who you are, from the inside out.

It’s about softening the armor, rewiring old beliefs, and choosing to meet yourself with kindness, especially in moments you feel least deserving of it. No one else can do that for you, but support can help you get there.

Therapy can be a powerful place to start that journey. If you’re tired of second-guessing yourself or living life on mute, I invite you to reach out. There is no shame in needing support. In fact, asking for help is often one of the most courageous steps you can take toward healing.

You don’t have to wait for permission to value yourself. That starts with you.

You are worthy. Right here, right now.

by Maria Perdomo-Torres, LCSW-S, MHA, CFSW