To Cry or Not to Cry: What Tears Really Mean in the Therapy Room

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Lately, I’ve been struck by how much attention people give to the meaning of tears in therapy. Clients often bring it up, wondering what it says about them if they cry (or don’t cry) in session. I’ve also seen countless posts on Threads and other platforms debating what tears really mean in the therapy room. It seems to be on everyone’s minds.

I once heard a simple rule of thumb: if a topic comes up in sessions three times in a week, it’s worth writing about. Lately, crying in therapy has come up more than that. So, here we are. Let’s talk about it. Why do we feel the need to assign so much meaning to crying (or not crying) in therapy? And what do tears actually tell us about healing?

Making Sense of Tears in Therapy

Many people walk into session carrying quiet worries about what their tears, or lack of them, really mean. Some even wonder if their therapist is secretly keeping score. (Spoiler: we’re not.)

Crying is a deeply human expression of emotion, but it isn’t the only one. In therapy, emotions can surface in all kinds of ways: yawning, sighing, stretching, smiling, shifting in your seat, or even something as subtle as making direct eye contact. These, too, can be forms of release, expression, and connection.

For some, tears flow easily and feel cathartic; for others, they can feel out of reach, uncomfortable, or even unsafe. The reality is that making sense of tears in therapy isn’t as simple as “crying equals progress.”

Unfortunately, tears in therapy often get wrapped up in myths and assumptions that create unnecessary pressure. So let’s untangle a few of the most common ones.

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Myth #1: If you don’t cry in session, you’re not doing the work.
Therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all. What “the work” looks like depends on the person, their history, and where they are in their journey. For some, it might involve an emotional or even physiological release, like crying. It can also look like showing up on a hard day, making a new connection between past and present, or daring to say something out loud for the first time. Tears are one possible marker of movement, but certainly not the only one.

Myth #2: If you cry in every session, you’re not making progress.
Tears don’t automatically mean “stuck.” Sometimes repeated crying is exactly what your system needs: a release of years of held emotion. In reality, tears are our body’s built-in anesthetic. They help soothe both physical and emotional pain. So if you find yourself crying session after session, it may mean you’re getting closer to the heart of your pain. It also means your system is still doing the hard work of release and regulation.

Myth #3: Crying burdens the therapist.
Many clients worry that their tears are “too much,” or that they’re somehow draining their therapist’s energy. Here’s the thing: your tears are not a burden. They’re information, communication, connection. Your emotions give us valuable insight into your experience, and we’re trained to sit with them. It’s literally part of why we’re here.

It actually reminds me of a meme I once saw: apologizing to your therapist for crying is like apologizing to your fitness coach for sweating. Both are natural byproducts of hard work. In therapy, your tears are not a problem to fix or a weight to carry. They’re simply part of how your mind and body are processing.

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Myth #4: If you don’t cry, you must be avoiding vulnerability.
Not crying doesn’t automatically mean you’re “closed off.” People process emotions through words, movement, silence, or even humor. Others cry easily. Neither is “better.” Sometimes, those very strategies are what helped you cope or stay safe in the past.

That said, it’s also possible that humor, silence, or distraction become ways we protect ourselves from feeling what’s really there. The difference isn’t in whether you cry, but in whether you’re willing to explore what’s happening underneath. Emotional openness isn’t measured by the number of tissues you use; it’s measured by your willingness to be honest with yourself and with your therapist. Even if that honesty sounds like, “I don’t feel ready to go there yet.”

Myth #5: Crying is a sign of weakness.
This one runs deep in our culture. But crying is a biological release, not a moral flaw. Tears are part of the body’s built-in system for calming and rebalancing itself. They can reduce stress, release tension, and even activate the nervous system in ways that bring relief. Sometimes tears mean you’ve reached a level of self-trust that allows you to let go, especially in front of someone else. It takes strength to allow yourself to be seen in your most vulnerable moments. Weakness isn’t found in tears. It’s found in the belief that we have to hide our pain in order to be worthy.

But What If the Therapist Cries?

Ah, the question few people ask out loud. If your therapist tears up, what does it mean? Is it unprofessional? Are they getting too attached? Are they “stealing your spotlight”?

Usually, no. A therapist’s tears, when they happen, are often a reflection of empathy, resonance, or simply being moved by your story. It’s not about taking attention away from you or needing comfort, but about sharing a moment of authentic human connection. It’s about being human in the presence of your pain. Of course, therapists must keep the focus on you, not on their own processing, but occasional tears can model something powerful: that your emotions are valid and worthy of being met with humanity. For some, that can feel deeply validating.

That said, there’s an important distinction. Healthy tears in therapy are with you (a sign that your therapist is attuned to your pain). A red flag is when the tears are because of you. For example, if your therapist shifts the focus to how you’ve hurt their feelings, or makes their emotional response the center of the session, the focus has drifted away from your healing. If that becomes a pattern, it may be worth discussing whether the relationship is still a good fit.

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Beyond Tears: Signs of Healing in Women’s Therapy

Crying in session can reflect many things: grief, relief, overwhelm, exhaustion, even gratitude. Not crying can also reflect many things: a more cognitive way of processing, cultural messages about showing emotion, or simply that your body doesn’t default to tears as an outlet. Neither one is the gold standard of “progress.”

Healing isn’t measured by tears. It’s measured by how you grow in awareness, resilience, and connection to yourself.

Other Signs of Progress Beyond Tears
If you’re not crying in therapy, here are some other markers of growth:

• Noticing your triggers and pausing before reacting.

• Naming emotions you couldn’t put into words before.

• Setting healthier boundaries.

• Feeling less shame around your struggles.

• Giving yourself compassion more easily.

Sometimes the quietest shifts (the ones no one else sees) are the most life-changing.

Healing in Women’s Therapy, With or Without Tears

So, to cry or not to cry? Either way, you’re not doing therapy “wrong.” Tears are simply one way emotions show up in the room. What matters most is creating space for your authentic self, whether that comes with silence, laughter, words, or tears.

In my work providing therapy for women, I’ve seen healing unfold in many forms. Sometimes it involves tears, but just as often it’s found in insight, relief, courage, or simply showing up week after week. Your progress isn’t defined by how many tissues you use, but by the ways you begin to feel more connected, more grounded, and more yourself.

If you’re ready to explore your own journey in a supportive, compassionate space, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. You can learn more about my approach and services on my therapy for women page, where I share more about who I work with and how I support women in their healing journey. Or you can book a consultation here.

Because at the end of the day, it’s not about whether you cry. It’s about whether you heal.

by Maria Perdomo-Torres, LCSW-S, MHA, CFSW