Understanding Cuban Culture & Trauma: A Cuban Therapist's Guide

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Have you ever noticed that Cubans have a certain way of doing things? If you’ve been to a Cuban gathering, you’ve likely experienced a few signature moments. Maybe it’s the spotless house you walked into, an endless parade of food offerings (even after politely saying “no gracias” multiple times), or the way a simple conversation somehow turns into a passionate monologue.

As a Cuban therapist, I want to shed light on these quirks—the traits that make us who we are. While they may seem funny, amusing, or even frustrating at times, they are deeply rooted in a shared history. Decades of oppression, scarcity, and censorship have left an enduring imprint on the Cuban psyche. Let’s explore these tendencies and the deeper stories behind them.

1. The Obsession with Cleanliness

Let’s start with the fact that Cubans are notorious for their spotless homes. You could eat off the floor—literally, though we’d probably insist you use a plate. Why? Because when life gave us very little to control, we turned to what we could control: our immediate environment (We might not be able to do anything about the leaking roof, but by golly, the floor will be clean).

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In my family, there’s this running joke about my mom cleaning the house the day before the house cleaner comes in—to “pre-clean” it. It might sound excessive, but it’s not just our family. Some have even suggested that the phrase Cuban Clean should be a registered trademark (I tend to agree). For many, maintaining a pristine home was a way to reclaim a small sense of agency and pride; a way of preserving dignity in the face of chaos and necessity.

2. Passionate Talkers

If you ever join a conversation with a group of Cubans, brace yourself—it’s like stepping into a verbal hurricane where everyone’s talking at once, often carrying on parallel conversations without missing a beat. Want to be heard? Be prepared to speak the loudest or just nod and smile until the storm calms down.

We don’t just talk passionately—we also talk fast. If all you have under your belt is the standard three years of Spanish, don’t judge yourself too harshly if you get lost. Even other native Spanish speakers have trouble keeping up with us at times.

This passionate style might stem from years of being silenced; a response shaped by collective trauma. It’s our way of making sure our voices are heard, and the world knows we have a lot to say. It’s chaotic, intense, and undeniably Cuban.

3. Holding Firm Beliefs

Here’s a truth that might ruffle some feathers: Cubans aren’t always great at engaging in open debates and can be fiercely opinionated. It’s not that we’re trying to be difficult or think we’re better than anyone else—well, okay, I’m not going to lie, there may be some exceptions. But for the most part, this tendency towards a closed mindset isn’t just stubbornness; it’s a learned coping mechanism. Growing up in a society where censorship was the norm, and opposing views weren’t just discouraged but strictly forbidden, left little room for healthy debates or open-mindedness. Those skills simply weren’t taught or modeled in our environment.

These coping mechanisms didn’t just stay in Cuba. They’ve been passed down through generations, shaping our psyche, much like you would see in other forms of intergenerational trauma (e.g., slavery, genocide). So, if you find a Cuban standing their ground in a way that feels immovable or irrational, try not to take it to heart. Remind yourself it’s not personal—it’s cultural.

4. Saying a Lot Without Saying Much

Another hallmark of Cuban conversations is the art of saying a lot without saying much (at face value). Ask a Cuban, “How are things?” and you might hear, “Ya tú sabes” (You already know) or "Imagínate tú” (You imagine it), followed by a back-and-forth of vague expressions that might leave a non-Cuban scratching their head. These conversations are often a version of “If you know, you know,” where both parties share a mutual understanding without explicitly mentioning any specifics.

This tendency can be traced back to years of censorship, where openly stating your thoughts wasn’t safe. Speaking in code became a survival tactic, and even now, it’s a deeply ingrained part of Cuban communication. To outsiders, it may feel cryptic, but to Cubans, it’s second nature—an unspoken understanding rooted in shared history.

5. Feeding as a Love Language

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If there’s one thing Cubans never take lightly, it’s making sure no one in their home goes hungry. You’ll likely be offered food multiple times, no matter how full you are or how many times you politely decline. Why? Many Cubans grew up with limited access to food, and sharing meals became a way to overcompensate for those hardships while also demonstrating love and care.

Feeding others isn’t just about hospitality; it’s a reflection of gratitude for the ability to provide and connect. While this generosity is heartfelt, it can sometimes feel overwhelming—especially if you struggle with food sensitivities or body image concerns. If this is you, it can help to remember where the behavior is coming from. It’s not a critique of you or your appetite, but a reflection of a culture deeply shaped by deprivation. At the same time, it’s okay to set boundaries with compassion. Balancing understanding and self-care is always key.

6. Religious Identity

Religion isn’t as central to Cuban culture as it is in many other Hispanic countries. While there are certainly Cubans who are deeply religious, you’re less likely to find traditional Christian beliefs compared to other Hispanic cultures. A bit of history here. In 1969, Fidel Castro banned Christmas celebrations in the country, including any mention of Santa Claus, calling him a symbol of “Yankee capitalist greed,” and declared Cuba an atheist nation. This ban lasted nearly 30 years, during which religion was strongly discouraged. Especially for those who grew up in Cuba during the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s, religion was likely not a major part of daily life.

But here’s the catch: we’ll still say “¡Ay, Dios mío!” or make the sign of the cross without a second thought. We’ll even light a candle to the Virgin Mary or one of the saints if we really find ourselves in a pickle. Does that mean we’re devout Catholics? Not necessarily. It can also be cultural shorthand, passed down by our abuelitas, even if the deeper religious meaning wasn’t always preserved.

7. Laughter, Music, and Celebration as Resilience

Things in Cuba have been bad—really bad. Yet, you wouldn’t always know it from the laughter, music, and loud parties. Humor and celebration aren’t just pastimes; they’re coping mechanisms. When life is heavy, sometimes the only way to survive is to drown your sorrows with salsa music and a good joke. Humor and joy are how we stay resilient, hold onto hope, and create light in the darkest moments.

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8. From Collectivism to Survival Mode

Hispanic cultures are often rooted in collectivism—prioritizing the needs of the community or group over the individual. But decades of scarcity in Cuba shifted priorities to survival. When resources are limited and only certain groups (like government employees or those with family abroad) have access to basic necessities, self-preservation becomes a reflex. Even for those who’ve left the island, this tension lingers. Get a group of Cuban exiles together, and it won’t take long before stories are shared about family members who lost property or had their businesses seized by the Castro regime.

This scarcity mindset also shapes behaviors that might seem puzzling to outsiders. For example, if you’ve ever seen a Cuban casually pocket utensils at a restaurant, save the last meatball in the fridge for later, or stash cash in a secret spot (because you can never trust banks!), you’ve witnessed the legacy of scarcity. These behaviors aren’t about paranoia—they’re about survival. Holding on to anything that might one day be useful or that could be taken away with no warning creates a sense of safety, a behavior rooted in trauma and the need to prepare for lack or uncertainty.

9. The Weight of Family Responsibility

For Cubans on the island, relying on financial support from relatives abroad has been a way of life for generations. For those living abroad, this creates a complex emotional burden, often pitting a deep sense of familial duty against the need to set healthy boundaries. Many feel obligated to send money to relatives—even distant ones they’ve never met—while putting their own financial goals on hold.

To those unfamiliar with the immigrant experience, this sense of obligation might seem excessive or irrational. But for many Cubans, it’s deeply rooted in cultural values of loyalty and collective care, compounded by the shared experience of “immigrant guilt”—the moral weight of having opportunities that those left behind may never have.

Balancing this responsibility with personal needs can be emotionally exhausting. If you want to support your Cuban loved one, start by recognizing the weight of this dilemma. Validate their feelings, and encourage them to find a balance that honors both their cultural values and their own well-being.

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10. The Goodbye Ritual

When you leave a Cuban gathering, don’t expect a simple “bye now!” and a quick exit. First, you say goodbye inside the house. Then, as you walk to your car, you smile and wave. And as you drive away, don’t forget the final wave (trust me, remembering this one will earn you bonus points with the suegros).

These extended farewells are about more than politeness. Goodbyes are a sore spot for us. Many Cubans have lived through painful farewells, long separations, and moments when saying goodbye meant not knowing when or if we’d ever see our loved ones again. So goodbyes aren’t something we rush. We hold on until the very last moment, sharing every possible gesture of love and connection.

A Call to Cuban Women

If you’re a Cuban woman reading this, you may see yourself in these stories. Perhaps you’ve felt the pressure to succeed, the weight of family obligations, or the challenge of setting healthier boundaries.

These struggles are real, and you don’t have to face them alone. As a Cuban therapist, I’ve lived these experiences. I know the laughter, the tears, and the resilience that define us. Together, we can create a healthier, more balanced version of you. When you are ready, I will be here to support you every step of the way. En la unión está la fuerza.

With grace and resilience,

-Maria

by Maria Perdomo-Torres, LCSW-S, MHA, CFSW